Comedy is probably one of the few genres we don’t often bother to review as it’s far too subjective for a fair review. Joe Dirt may be one of the dumbest things David Spade was involved with outside of letting Chris Farley die alone but, apparently, it had some sort of a cult following which earned it an illegitimate sequel years later.
Still, we decided to do Big Stan. All because it’s our second movie pairing David Carradine and M Emmet Walsh. It’s a Rob Schneider movie and falls on its face harder than the Rob himself. He plays a sleazy land developer who gets sent to jail. Determined not to get assaulted, he decides to learn martial arts from Carradine. Tim says that, of the two parts that he laughed, one was Rob being punched for saying ‘that’s what she said’.
Tim then gets to a request, Run the Tide. It star Taylor Lautner in yet another desperate attempt to keep his film career from petering out. It’s about as effective as a homeopathic cure and brings Lautner a step closer to doing bachelorette parties for the rich. He’s a high school dropout who’s taking care of his brother while mom is in prison. Tim at least has a lot to say about how much he dislikes it.
Weltall then talks about First Man. The movie based on the first moon landing by the USA. It does decent job of conveying some of the lesser known aspects of the astronauts like their intelligence and that they’re adrenaline junkies. It’s very difficult to saying anything about a historical movie when they don’t drop a six ton weight on their balls.
You know what makes our shows and weddings better? Yes, money and professionalism. The answer we were looking for was themes. I’m sorry but no points for any of you. Also all answers must be in the form of an email to the hosts. While we prepare the next round, please enjoy the following messages from our sponsors.
With the theme of monster catching, Tim has Pokemon Adventures. The manga made to tie into the success of the original red and blue games. As such the protagonist is named Red and has rivalry with Blue. In the tradition of all adaptations of games, the rules of the game are ignored for the sake of making a plot favoring particular pokemon. Take for example the arc where Red uses a Pikachu to beat an Onix. It still gets a Borders.
Weltall then cracks open Yo-kai Watch. Nate Adams is a normal manga kid who’s parents are busy drinking and playing pachinko. He walks face first into the state’s program to curb population control by sending kids on deadly adventures when he cracks open a gashapon that has a watch and a yokai in it. He then starts seeing yokai, talking them out of being pests and gaining the ability to summon them to pester others. It lands on a Borders in a surprise to us.
We had a plan for this. Thanks to the kind of ineptitude which is the hallmark of the show, we completely failed to do the movie we set out for. So we had to settle on the Ben Affleck movie, The Accountant.
Ben plays an accountant who’s on the high functioning part of the autism spectrum. A role that seems custom tailored to Affleck’s brand of acting. He makes his money getting called to audit accounts that are too complex for the average bear. Also, he’s trained like a special ops agent because he dad decided that he wasn’t going to let a learning disability block his aspirations of raising two contract killers.
Tim then talks about Jurassic World. Having held off on seeing it until well after the sequel has come and gone, he figured it was time. It’s more self referential than a modern comedy and hangs enough lampshades to stock a Pier 1. Half the cast is given the role of Malcolm from the original in that they trash talk science and the park for no explained reason. The monster was apparently give a copy of the script which informs it of exactly what to do in order to drive the plot. But audiences appeared to like Chris Pratt’s mugging and all the dinosaur scenes.
Weltall then talks about Sandy Wexler, and Adam Sandler film. Being as it wasn’t the kind of movie which received an oil tanker load of sponsorships and was promoted by tie ins with Burger King, it’s not quite the usual garbage. He plays a Hollywood agent who’s personal success is hampered by his genuine good nature. This is put to the test when he ends up representing a talented singer. Weltall believe it’s worth seeing if only to show Adam we don’t hate him when he stops putting together the cast of his friends and taking them on vacation while calling it a movie.
Turn down the lights, pour a glass of moonshine, and join us for another installment of requested manga theater. Wherein our free will is taken away and we’re forced to read things sent to us. To cope, we will undoubtedly be tapping into something delicious or at least highly alcoholic. Just as long as we don’t start dipping into mixed drinks.
Tim reviews Platinum End. A manga brought to us by the same people who gave us Death Note. We start off with our main character deciding it’s time to kill himself, climbing to the roof of a skyscraper, then taking an asphalt swan dive. He gets saved feet before death by an angel. She offers him the ability to tavel anywhere on earth nearly instantly or to fire arrows that make people love him. He says he’ll consider not dying if she gives him both. Turns out he’s one of twelve people who have guardian angels who are playing last man standing with the winner getting to take the place of god. It squeaks into a Crackers and will be worth a follow up.
Weltall then reviews Umineko: When They Cry. It’s set on the eighties where the Ushiromiya family gets summoned to the island they own. There’s a legend that grandpa Ushiromiya got the seeds of their fortune by making a deal with a witch. But if he doesn’t pay her back by a particular time and date, she’ll exact a price from the family. There’s excellent pacing and well assembled pacing that erans it a solid Read It Now
The horror genre is perhaps one of the genres that abuses concepts and settings more than academy bait movies. Which means writers and directors are desperate to come up with a bankable character or premise. This allows them to stand out and try to milk a franchise for a paycheck. Assuming it resonates in anyway with the audience.
So we have Candyman (1992). Which would make you think it has to do with an evil version of Willy Wonka that murders adults with confections. Instead it’s about an urban legend about a man who was murdered by having his hand cut off, then covered in honey and stung to death by bees. This somehow allows him to be summoned by saying candyman in the mirror. You can hear us completely butcher the plot, according to the live chat, more deep in the show.
Tim then talks about Maniac Cop 2(1990). It picks up where the first leaves off. Using some recycled footage of Bruce Campbell in order to avoid paying him his lofty salary of gas money to be replaced by someone who’d work for a credit. The titular maniac cop teams up with a serial killer and proceeds to murder more cops. He’s stopped by the mayor admitting the cop was set up and murdered in prison. With him laid to rest there’s a confusing stinger where the undead cop punches through his grave because the series hadn’t yet become unprofitable.
Weltall then talks about Skyscraper(2018). The movie that clickbait pricks did their best to try and stir up controversy because Dwayne Johnson has the audacity of playing an amputee without being an amputee. In the end, no one cared and the movie was nearly unnoticed. It’s about an advanced, computer controlled office building taken over by a terrorist organization. This turns out to be part of a plot to recoup insurance. Which is surely the easier option of recouping your money rather than just not investing it.
Like an expensive sweater gifted to a nephew, we’ve returned quicker than anticipated. It’s another week, another drink and another manga. This time some self selected materials as we’ve got a few requests coming down the pipeline in the form of physical copies.
Tim reviews Marry Grave. It has a lighthearted style reminiscent of late nineties comedy manga. Our protagonist lives in a world that’s been invaded by goblins. He carries a coffin and is doing a world wide scavenger hunt attempting to raise his wife from the dead. There’s an interesting twist where we find out he died on his wedding night and his wife spent the rest of her life doing the same to resurrect him. It gets a Read it Now for being inventive and interesting.
Weltall reviews To Your Eternity. It begins with an alien lifeform landing on earth and copying a dying wolf. After taking it’s form, it wanders into an empty encampment where it finds a lone boy who’s been living along for a few years. It follows him along until he dies and takes his form. It’s very well paced and the story get more interesting from that point on, ending one a hilarious note made funnier by the serious tone thus far. It comfortably earns a Read it Now
Ryan Reynolds success in movies lately makes it hard to remember that he was involved in a lot of terrible super hero movies. So we decided to dig through it and review one of them. No, not Blade 3. Not Woleverine Origins. We decided to drive a steam roller over the corpse of the buried and, the studio hopes, forgotten Green Lantern.
Reynolds is perhaps the worst cast choice of Hal Jordan with perhaps the exception of Ron Jeremy. He’s a cocky test pilot who watches his dad explode in a plane crash as a child and says “yeah, I’d like to go the same way.” There’s evil yellow energy used by Parallax who is a Watcher gone bad. Hal’s childhood friends include his romantic interest and a guy who gets converted to the henchman for Parallax. Sinestro is there but he’s not evil, or is he? At least the big bad can be defeated by tricking it into leaving earth and crashing into the sun.
Tim reviews Super Fuzz(1980). An Italian take on the superhero genre where an Italian actor, playing an American cop, goes out to deliver a warrant on a parking ticket gets hit by an atomic blast being set off by NASA. This gives him a gamut of super powers like strength, speed, ability to wish a stadium of people into the corn field, and super vision. Pretty standard things. His weakness is the color red. Not red dye, ink, or blood. Just someone wearing a red sweater is his kryptonite.
Weltall then hits Mile 22. Mark Walhberg is some sort of soldier who is tasked with helping a cop from Indonesia who has sensitive information. Most of it is an excuse to go from one action set piece to another. Made a little less believable by Marky-Mark’s constant expression of mild confusion which doesn’t really befit an intelligence officer. Even the bang bang shooty parts are lack lustre considering the previous work of those involved
We like to have some post show discussions once in awhile. They usually aren’t recorded as they’re not very long. Tim is always begging off because he says he needs to go eat. This is accompanied by him dramatically clutching his middle and collapsing into a heap while asking for soup or breadsticks like this is an Olive Garden and not a makeshift recording studio.
Appropriate then that Tim reviews Shokugeki no Soma. Soma is a student who works at a ramen shop and is attempting to best the owner in a cooking contest by making odd dishes like peanut butter and squid. One day he is forced to defend the shop from evil land developers by cooking with limited ingredients. It turns out he’s quite good when he’s not experimenting with things and saves the day. So the owner shuts down shop and sends him to a prestigious cooking school. It gets a Borders for being a rice cake of a manga.
Weltall reviews Tales of Wedding Rings. Our dish rag du jour is Sato who’s childhood friends with Hime. Some time in the indeterminable time between high school or middle, Hime ends up traveling into another dimension and Sato tags along. She is betrothed to a prince who is about to marry her right until a demon attacks. Hime kisses Sato which makes him married to her and grants the power to defeat the demon. Realm saved, right? Wrong. Sato now has to go out and collect his harem to gain enough power to beat the big bad. It also gets a Borders.
It’s October and that means a lot of people making lists of scary movies or pimping classic ones. We like to think we do a little better by shining a light on movies that have gone forgotten and unloved. For that reason, and not because Tim likes to drag out old crap movies from the dumpster like a hoarder collecting furniture. “It’s still good.” He says, staring at the bed bug infested recliner. “I can’t believe someone would just throw this out.”
We jointly discuss The Beast Must Die(1974). For once Tim has picked an actual good, bad movie. Calvin Lockhart plays a rich man who wants to hunt the most dangerous game. The twist is, that’s not people but rather the werewolf. He has gathered a guest list of people who could very well be werewolves(say that three times fast.) During the course of the film he has to find out who is the werewolf and will he be able to kill it?
Tim reviews a movie which had an internet micro-versy about it back when it was announced, No Escape. Owen Wilson plays an engineer who goes to some unnamed, for real life political reasons, country in the middle of a revolution. He then has to try and keep his family safe and escape. Something that wouldn’t be possible if he didn’t get help from the criminally underused Pierce Brosnan who dies heroically to save them later.
Weltall then reviews Den of Thieves. It stars the temporary patron saint of the show, Gerard Butler who uses his accent to charm a rag tag group of misfits into a group of thieves. Wait, no he’s the cop investigating a group of thieves which make high profile heists and are targeting the Federal Reserve. So it’s a detective movie and a heist movie where Gerard never yells “This is So-Cal!”
More sent manga makes its way into our PO box which means we have yet more to review. We gladly take requests because we like to please. And we’re lazy. We’ve mentioned that before but ease of reading saves us a lot of trouble when it comes to this and it keeps us from getting into a genre rut. Which could easily make the show turn stale faster than a rice cake in a Louisiana summer.
Tim gets sent Golosseum. There’s an alternate, maybe, future where Putin has a number of bracelets that prevent damage from bullets and radiation but allow fighting moves to penetrate. As such there’s now a threat of Russia taking over the world and seeking out the last of the three golden records that were shot into space as part of the Voyager program. The last one is, of course, being hidden in Japan by Rasputin. It’s just goofy and nonsensical enough to get a Read It Now.
Weltall reviews Apocalypse Zero. It’s finally here, a manga adaptation of the beloved film about Vietnam, based on a book about the Korean war. Who hasn’t wanted to see Martin Sheen as a Japanese school boy who was chosen to face the Vietnamese lacrosse team which is funded by China-Senpai? How about a dreamy version of Marlon Brando who takes a harem of girls to live out behind the equipment shed? It deserves nothing less than a Read It Now.
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