It’s October and that means a lot of people making lists of scary movies or pimping classic ones. We like to think we do a little better by shining a light on movies that have gone forgotten and unloved. For that reason, and not because Tim likes to drag out old crap movies from the dumpster like a hoarder collecting furniture. “It’s still good.” He says, staring at the bed bug infested recliner. “I can’t believe someone would just throw this out.”
We jointly discuss The Beast Must Die(1974). For once Tim has picked an actual good, bad movie. Calvin Lockhart plays a rich man who wants to hunt the most dangerous game. The twist is, that’s not people but rather the werewolf. He has gathered a guest list of people who could very well be werewolves(say that three times fast.) During the course of the film he has to find out who is the werewolf and will he be able to kill it?
Tim reviews a movie which had an internet micro-versy about it back when it was announced, No Escape. Owen Wilson plays an engineer who goes to some unnamed, for real life political reasons, country in the middle of a revolution. He then has to try and keep his family safe and escape. Something that wouldn’t be possible if he didn’t get help from the criminally underused Pierce Brosnan who dies heroically to save them later.
Weltall then reviews Den of Thieves. It stars the temporary patron saint of the show, Gerard Butler who uses his accent to charm a rag tag group of misfits into a group of thieves. Wait, no he’s the cop investigating a group of thieves which make high profile heists and are targeting the Federal Reserve. So it’s a detective movie and a heist movie where Gerard never yells “This is So-Cal!”
More sent manga makes its way into our PO box which means we have yet more to review. We gladly take requests because we like to please. And we’re lazy. We’ve mentioned that before but ease of reading saves us a lot of trouble when it comes to this and it keeps us from getting into a genre rut. Which could easily make the show turn stale faster than a rice cake in a Louisiana summer.
Tim gets sent Golosseum. There’s an alternate, maybe, future where Putin has a number of bracelets that prevent damage from bullets and radiation but allow fighting moves to penetrate. As such there’s now a threat of Russia taking over the world and seeking out the last of the three golden records that were shot into space as part of the Voyager program. The last one is, of course, being hidden in Japan by Rasputin. It’s just goofy and nonsensical enough to get a Read It Now.
Weltall reviews Apocalypse Zero. It’s finally here, a manga adaptation of the beloved film about Vietnam, based on a book about the Korean war. Who hasn’t wanted to see Martin Sheen as a Japanese school boy who was chosen to face the Vietnamese lacrosse team which is funded by China-Senpai? How about a dreamy version of Marlon Brando who takes a harem of girls to live out behind the equipment shed? It deserves nothing less than a Read It Now.
If there’s on thing that movies have taught us is that all real estate developers are evil. Whether it’s attempting to tear down a youth center or buying the foreclosed home from a grandma, they’d powder orphan and snort it if they thought it would help them get rich or high.
To that end, we watched Rocknrolla. It’s about a shady British land developer who rooks a couple of criminals for their investment money, keeps the land and tries to sell it to a Russian. The Russian loans him a painting which then gets stolen and threatens the deal. Everyone and everything crashes into each other towards the end because this is a Guy Ritchie film and that’s just how he operates.
Tim then reviews A Cure for Wellness. Tim normally doesn’t hate slow and atmospheric horror movies that eschew jump scares. This movie takes a lot of boring horror cliches extracts any character drive and tells the audience to go pound sand. It’s a weak body horror movie set in a creepy asylum that runs far too long and is so predictable an AI probably wrote it. Oh look, the guy with the german accent is evil? What a twist.
Weltall then reviews two Youtube channels. Gas Station Encounters is a particular chain of stations and their encounters with the wacky customer base that happens on a regular basis. Because even the mentally unstable and the Klepto’s need cigarettes and fuel. He also talks about The United States Chemical Safety and Hazard Investigation Board. It’s the least sexy name for a channel but it has some wonderful documentaries made by the government on accidents.
More manga incoming on the review request train. Now reading licensed, unlicensed, fanilations, and doujins. Not all of those will be reviewed of course. Licensed manga deserves no attention from us considering they don’t send us review copies. Which of course if why we’re not only reviewing licensed manga but adaptations of video games.
Tim reviews The Legend of Zelda Majora’s Mask. Which is, coincidentally, the last Zelda game he bothered to play. He tried to make excuses about how hard it was to keep up and how it’s not worth buying a separate console for a couple of games. As far as the manga, he’s thrown that Link isn’t a silent protagonist in it like in the games. It also takes place over a single reset of the town. It gets a Borders.
Weltall then reviews Ocarina of Time. Like in the last the Mask, Link is also not a silent protagonist. Weltall is disappointed that the sexual subtext between Link and the high priestesses isn’t made explicit. Though it’s hilarious how they’re made out now to seem like they’re dodging a dating bullet and retreating to their role as sage. “Sorry we can’t marry Link, it’s, uh, because I’m a sage. Yeah.” It also gets a Borders.
Considering the recent news on the passing of Burt Reynolds, we figured we should do something of a tribute episode. Which is why we choose an Uwe Boll movie to jointly review. In the Name of the King is what happens when someone watches the Lord of the Rings and decides to push their fanfic off as a screenplay.
Jason Statham is the main character who is called Farmer. Not a problem in a universe where other characters have ridiculous names like, say, the Discworld series. Quite a glaring issue within a world where no one else is named after their profession. Ray Liotta is busy trying to capture the ham of Jeremy Irons from Dungeons and Dragons. Burt is busy thinking about the glory days of Gator and Smokey and the Bandit.
Weltall then talks about Sharky’s Machine(1981). It’s about a detective who ends up in a botched drug bust where another cop dies. Disgraced, he gets transferred to vice where he busts a prostitute. She turns out to be part of a high class prostitution ring. This leads him to a crime syndicate who’s using it to blackmail a politician.
Tim then talks about Rent-A-Cop(1987). Burt plays a cop who is part of a drug bust that goes bad and other cops die. Disgraced, he ends up working as a security guard. At least that’s the promise of the synopsis. A prostitute, played by Liza Minnelli, who witnessed the murders tries to enlist him for protection. Things happen and attempts at jokes are made. The only one that lands is that anyone would have paid Liza money for sex in the eighties.
Which is why there can never be peace between East-asia and Oceania. On a brighter note, we will always have manga. Which seems to be in larger supply as it’s getting sent in. This saves us from having to select something and forces our hand in reviews. Mostly because we’re incredibly lazy and gladly take shortcuts.
Tim reviews The Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess. A manga done which appears to cover all the beats of the game. Tim finds it unsettling as Link isn’t a silent protagonist within the manga. Without having played the game, Tim has no reference on how accurate it ends up being. It gets a Borders for being readable and having good artwork.
Weltall then talks about Re-Monster. In what is quickly becoming a nauseating trend, it features a character reborn into an alternate world. Bonus trope points for being something like an MMO where the character is born as a goblin, has stats, and can gain levels. Being as he has a short lifespan as a goblin he has to quickly level up to hopefully escape dying at a few years old. It gets a Read It Now in spite of the well trod ground.
As we’re getting on in episodes, we must be getting crotchety and senile. Today we’re focused on a film from the seventies when men were men and people drove nothing but muscle cars. Smoking was breathing but for cool people who didn’t do pussy things like save for retirement or plan for their future. People who did such things were clearly communist sympathizers that needed to be shipped to Cuba.
Today’s joint review is The Getaway(1972). It stars Steve McQueen who’s character is imprisoned for something and getting denied parole. The only recourse is to have his wife sleep with someone who has th authority to let him out. Even so, this isn’t enough as he has one more job to do before he’s free. It’s a heist movie that turns into an escape film as in the name.
Weltall then talks about Demolition Man(1993). Because there’s nothing quite as amusing as a future envisioned in the nineties that gets almost everything completely wrong. Wesley Snipes is a bad guy who going to cryo-prison along with the cop who arrests him as Snipes blames the death of the hostages on Stallone. They’re woken up in a future seventies years after the nineties where everything has been sterilized into a semi-utopia to wreak havoc.
Tim, unconsciously keeping in line with the theme of police, talks about Maniac Cop(1988). Who it stars is unclear as Bruce Campbell is credited but doesn’t show up to about a third of the way in. A rogue, tall cop is killing people for no reason which leads detectives to find the nearest guy who’s six foot and put him in cuffs. Naturally this doesn’t stop the killings of a possibly supernatural murder who was a disgraced cop.
Do you, like Buzzfeed’s target audience, remember the nineties? Jnco jeans, ska band music, the discontinuation of Planters Cheezballs? Sometime we also awaken in cold sweats remembering the kids who wore The Crow makeup to school. Something Vanessa actually had in high school. Tim only saw about half a dozen people dress up as The Crow for every halloween until nineteen ninety nine.
If you hadn’t figured it out already, we’re talking about the comic turned movie, The Crow. Now it’s just starting to sound weird. The crow. tHE crOW. the crooow. Does that sound right to anyone else?
The bones of the plot carries over well from the comic to the movie. Bad guys randomly kill a guy and his girlfriend. The guy comes back from the dead one year later to wreak vengeance, his spirit carried back by a crow. Six months later he’s buying and selling land in the city while flipping tenements for profit.
The movie adds some very weird angles like implied incest and black magic. It’s not a bad movie but we doubt that it would have been fondly remembered if it hadn’t lead to the death of Brandon Lee during a stunt accident. We think both are equally worth reading and watching.
A full request episode lays ahead. This is what happens when people send us manga. We are obligated to review it even if our personal bias says there’s no way it could be good. We will do our best to give it as fair a shake as we possibly can. But it’s really, really hard to do considering that the following two are prominently bearing the Tokyo Pop label on the spine.
Tim reviews Totally Spies. It is just like any cartoon manga cash grab that was made around that time in that it’s just an episode cut and pasted into a comic. Probably using something like a pirated copy of Corel Publisher. It gets a Burn It for the low effort garbage it is.
Weltall then reviews Fairly Odd Parents. Spoiler alert, it gets a Burn It. Just like with Weltall’s last OEL comic, he was untainted by exposure to the property beforehand. Too many jokes that just don’t land along with established rules that seem to be pulled from nowhere but are probably better explained in the series itself.
In a departure from the usual review method, Tim watched an episode of the series his OEL was based on. Not the same episode which became the “cine manga” unfortunately. His opinion was that the reason these weren’t successful was the media being adapted. As many of the jokes within the cartoons are visual and rely on timing which isn’t predictable in comic form as it is in video.
Holiday movies suck rancid balls. That may be a controversial statement around here as we’re sure everyone reading gets quite a kick out of watching Lifetime crank out more Christmas movies than could be supported by an advent calendar that starts on Halloween. So what are you to do when people pester you what “holiday” movie you want to watch. The threat of such turds such as Jingle All the Way and The Santa Clause may make you grasp for the safety of irony and latch onto Die Hard. Continue reading Script 2 Script 17: Die Hard→
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