Category Archives: Script 2 Script

Script 2 Script 11: 20,000 Leagues

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It’s about that time where we do a novel of Tim’s choice. He picked 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. It’s the earliest book we’ve done thus far and a classic in science fiction. Plus any novel that opens up with a jab at Nebraska is alright in our book. Even better is knowing that some versions omitted it because the translators weren’t happy about it.

Our protagonist, Arronax, joins an expedition with a harpooner and his valet. They’re off to investigate reports of a narwhal that is striking and sinking ships. This journey is completely uneventful and Arronax spends most of his time swapping recipes with the crew while they sight see. Once they return to land, he publishes the first marine based cookbook and becomes wildly popular. Continue reading Script 2 Script 11: 20,000 Leagues

Script 2 Script 10: It’s better than Euro-Disney

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If it’s two things we love, it’s popular trends and the author of Twilight. Which is why this month’s choice was the Jane Austen obsessed book and Stephenie Meyer produced movie, Austenland.

The story follows a woman that can’t let go of how great Colin Firth looks dripping wet and manages to get into the exclusive vacation spot of Austenland where she is totes the prettiest girl there. Whether it’s the coy glances at tight breeches or the rousing games of whist, it’s a non-stop roller coaster of Regency era romance that doesn’t slow down. Where you’re constantly asking yourself, who will Felicity choose? Mr. Flight of the Conchords or Mr. Totally-Acts-As-If-He-Hates-Her-So-There-Is-No-Way-It-Could-Turn-To-Love?

So adjust your petticoat, make sure your wanton ankles are covered, and enjoy us talking about the best side character ever. We’re positive you’ll find her absolutely…charming. *winky face, mid air high-five*

Script 2 Script 9: Desperate

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This show is brought to you by the formerly coke fueled man suffering from a transcription addiction, Stephen King. We decided to do something that wasn’t a terrible movie adaptation. Instead, we choose Desperation. While it is a movie, it was done as a TV movie which has entirely different standards than a theater release. For example, no one expects anyone to watch TV movies unless they’re drunk or trapped in hospice. Continue reading Script 2 Script 9: Desperate

Script 2 Script 8: Space Marines or Something

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Come live a new life in the off world colonies. You may want to pack your carry-on full of bug spray. Or ammunition. It turn out bugs don’t like being shot in the face with either. You’ll be living and working alongside our elite militarized extermination teams.

Help us colonize the formerly useless worlds that did nothing but host useless, non-human life forms previously. Earn your citizenship in style while building new homes. Be prepared to sweep up the chunks of those who were too cowardly to stay the course and keep to the plan. They didn’t believe in the ideals of the Federation hard enough. That or they were a bunch of civilians. You’re not a civilian are you?

No, you’re not. That’s why you’re going to put on you’re thickest soled boots and enlist today. The first one thousand families to sign up get fast tracked for pool access. Stop by your local recruiting office and you’ll get a free tote bag just for stopping by! Don’t make us beg, Rico.

Script 2 Script 7: The Clan of the Cave Bear

Given that we’re attempting our best at keeping this from being a strictly genre based show, we mixed it up with a Neanderthal tale. The Clan of the Cave Bear was released in nineteen eighty as the wave of cocaine prepared to engulf Hollywood. Fueled in no small part by the novel’s success, they made an adaptation of it.

Being as the story centers upon an orphaned Cro-Magnon girl being adopted by a tribe of Neanderthals, who would best be cast? Probably someone with a good dramatic background. Oh, no one like that is available? Just grab the lady who played the mermaid in Splash and hand me that razorblade, willya?

The movie is so hilariously bad, Weltall could probably watch it for fun. Condensing the plot is excusable in almost all cases with adaptations. What the filmmakers do though it crunch this down so far that anyone who hadn’t read beforehand will likely be confused at what in the hell is going on.

The novel takes the film to the mat and pins if for a solid count. There is one thing the movie has that is missing from the book. Darryl Hannah in half assed kabuki makeup. It also lost at the Oscars, nominated for makeup, to The Fly. We couldn’t figure out if they decided that the SNL caveman makeup or Hannah’s face paint was Academy worthy.

Script 2 Script 6: Relic

As we first tackled something more lighthearted involving a museum in New York, it only seemed fitting that we go a bit morbid. In this episode we discuss Relic, adapted as The Relic.

Unlike our last show, the books starts off with a couple of kids getting lost in the American Museum of Natural History in New York. Their end comes about not at the hands of a quick witted security guard who hasn’t been lobotomized but at the crushing jaws of a monster. The film changes this by moving to Chicago, forgivable, and having the two kids escape death, unforgivable.

We pity the movie on so many levels as they tried desperately to make an interesting horror movie. It’s full of practical effects, a monster that’s fairly memorable and kept hidden for much of the running time, and the characters weren’t pared down to badly. Where it suffers is the random and pointless diversions. The prime example being the lucky bullet carried by the detective and bestowed upon Margo.

While this ultimately spells another win for the novel, the movie remains entertaining enough. Fans of cheesy monster flicks will enjoy and laugh at the poorly aging CG along with the clunky dialogue.

Script 2 Script 5: Hideaways

Ah, the follies of youth. Fighting with siblings, complaining about chores and running away to the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York. Wait, one of these things might be unlike the other and just doesn’t belong. Someone get one of those damned muppets in here to figure it out because I want answers and I want them yesterday.

This episode focuses on the novel “From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler” which was adapted into the, thankfully, succinctly titled “The Hideaways”. The book features a pair of siblings that decide to run away from home because they’re tired and want an adventure. The film adaptation features a couple of whiny brats who run away because someone pissed in their cereal.

If this were a modern day Pulitzer winner, the characters would have no names and they would learn very rough lessons at the hands of herpes ridden, chapped hobo hands in an alley. Instead, we’re treated to children surviving in New York on pocket change and hiding from security guards who were hired because they bring their own blinders to the job.

The novel is easily classified as superior and not just for the trimmings which must occur. It’s almost solely on the shoulders of the director who casts Ingrid Bergman as the dowager. Being as she was older but not nearly old enough to play the character, they slammed her face into spirit gum and then a latex mask of her own face. She’s also wearing the same wig Christopher Walken would don in Batman Returns and giving Don King future inspiration for a haircut.

Script 2 Script 4: 1984

In this episode we tackle a request by a fellow comrade, 1984. It is a glorious tale of Big Brother’s march forward towards victory. We will discuss the tragedy of Winston and Julia, two ember of the inner party who became corrupted by Goldstein’s philosophy and turned traitor.

How could a man, given glorious work within the Party, turn against it? It begins with his corruption of truth when he believes he is short of razor blades. He becomes convinced that there is a shortage because he has so few when the records clearly state that there was a surplus that year. The only answer then is that Winston is a wasteful man who tosses his luxuries away without thought. Continue reading Script 2 Script 4: 1984

Script 2 Script 3: Water Fight

In this episode we tackle the movie that was as fleeting as the fame of its star, Robert Pattinson. Of course we’re talking about the Twilight star’s attempt to throw off the chains of vampire typecasting and become a serious actor in Water for Elephants[2011]. He’s accompanied by Reese Witherspoon who’s character is younger than his while she’s a decade his senior. Also Christoph Waltz who plays an evil Nazi working in a circus. Continue reading Script 2 Script 3: Water Fight