Author: Weltall

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Even if humanity stopped making films right this second and never made another, there would still almost be too many to watch in a lifetime. That doesn’t mean they’re all quality though. By the time you died, you’d have watched a mountain of garbage recorded by some schmo with a Sony Handycam and two hundred parts ambition to one part talent.

So it’s baffling when one of the best known turds from the nineties, Samurai Cop, received a sequel in the twenty first century. Through the miracle of crowdfunding, the majority of the original cast is reunited under a director who is either worse than the original or a savant at making movies appear bad. Going by his filmography, we believe the answer to be obvious. Continue reading “Popcorn Pulse 50: Empire Cop”

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There was a period in the eighties and nineties where if you wanted to make a movie featuring martial arts, you did so by invoking something from the “far east”. Hence Samurai Cop(1991). It features some regular B movie actors, a bunch of unknowns and hilarious dialogue. And as there was a sequel done last year, we’ll be doing that in our next Popcorn Pulse. Continue reading “Popcorn Pulse 49: Ultra Cop”

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Contrary to popular belief, we don’t listen and have strong feelings about all current or recent musical acts in existence. As such, the only time we’d ever heard Selena Gomez was in tandem to Justin Bieber. Then we decided to watch Getaway[2013].

Someone involved in this movie decided that Selena, who has no name, screech like a macaw with its leg caught in a car door at Ethan Hawke for twenty minutes. This is in spite of the fact she learns right away that he’s just a pawn. But at least all the car crashes are practical effects and we get to see Jon Voight disgustingly eat olives. Continue reading “Popcorn Pulse 48: Filthy Getaway”

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As we hadn’t time to get our hands on a copy of a film which was suggested, we had to go with a second choice. We jointly discuss Now You See Me[2013], featuring the teaming up of Jesse Eisenberg and Woody Harrelson once more.

It features a team of four magicians who get recruited into a super secret society of magic. They go on a string of illusions/heists while pursued by the Hulk during some of his down time. This would explain why he was too busy to aid Captain America during the events of Winter Soldier. Continue reading “Popcorn Pulse 46: Now You See Dick”

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We don’t often get recommendations that we can jointly review. Tim is more than willing to sit down to any abomination put to celluloid, preference given to anything that predates the turn of the millennium. Weltall is tolerant as long as it isn’t mind meltingly stupid and filmed on some liberal arts major’s iphone. So it was with no small amount of trepidation that we approached a recommendation from our most prolific source of emails

Sorceress(1982) is a budget sword and sandal flick. Not that there was any other kind of fantasy film before Peter Jackson demonstrated it was worth investing a few bucks into a fantasy and treat it with a certain amount of gravity. It was made in Mexico, presumably to skirt the guild fees and to stretch their budget dollar further. It features twins who posed in Playboy, back when people cared, a knockoff Gimli before Gimli was filmed and creepy goat man who bleats and runs off to presumably masturbate in the woods. Continue reading “Popcorn Pulse 47: Sorceressuckit”

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It’s the beginning of Winter here in the northern hemisphere. Naturally the snow on the ground and approaching jam packed holidays, pick your favorite, made us think of lawn care. Specifically an ode to the care and feeding of the greenery from the nineties, The Lawnmower Man(1992).

Would you believe that it stars a pre Bond Pierce Brosnan? It also shares a title with a Stephen King short story but was so different from his work that he sued to get his name removed from the film. We’re not experts but we’re pretty sure that’s how you get yourself written into a story where you’re wife is a demon who sucks your soul out via toothy blowjobs while secretly screwing all your friends. Continue reading “Popcorn Pulse 45: Brosnan Blow”