Anime Pulse

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Don’t make me write an excerpt, you wouldn’t like me when I type. How many reviews, do you imagine, began with some variation of “wouldn’t like me when I’m angry” when the original Hulk film was released? I’m sure a quick search could give us an estimate but no one wants to go back and read warmed over reviews for a bad movie.

Which is why we decided to watch and jointly discuss the Ang Lee Hulk[2003]. Tim had only ever seen the Edward Norton Hulk while Wetall has only seen Eric Bana. Only one of those was rectified for this show. We talk about the Hulk Dogs, Nick Nolte and pitch a possible theory as to why it doesn’t work as a whole.

Weltall then talks about Skin Trade[2014]. It features Tony Jaa and Dolph Lundgren, whose name Wetall likes to mangle for fun and profit. They’re both combating the titular skin trade, prostitute slaves, being run by the slab man himself, Ron Perlman. There’s a bit of a Taken thing going on with Lungren’s daughter who doesn’t get found by the time the credit appear. So it’s a very cheerful film, is what we’re saying.

Tim drags up the ancient and decaying Bones[2001]. It features Snopp Dogg, who can’t act, terrorizing people who killed him. Or rather, that’s the summary of the synopsis on the cover. The movie has no idea what it wants to be, constantly loses focus and drops in plot points wherever convenient. It is a train wreck that occurs in slow motion over the running time and invites unfavorable comparisons to other horror franchises by leaning on their tropes. Which all makes it hilarious.

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Someone must have spiked our drink with the waters of forgetfullnes. We spend an inordinate time attempting to figure out which episode number we’re on. It might be the result of a contact high from all the April celebrations here in Colorado or we’re stupid. Really, whichever of those fits your preferred narrative is perfectly fine.

Our joint discussion centers on the wonderfully campy Sundown – The Vampire in Retreat(1989). Going by the DVD cover, and IMDB poster, you might think it stars Bruce Campbell and David Carradine. This is a disservice to all the macho posturing done by the world’s most disappointed dad and his college rival, who may or may not have knocked up dad’s wife. Also, cowboy showdown between vampires.

Weltall then talks about The Protector[2005] and The Protector[2013]. Not to be confused with the half other dozen movies and single TV series that bear the same name. We stumbled on the tabline reshow, Taken but with elephants, and that’s what we’re sticking with. Feel free to imagine Liam Neeson speaking Thai and kicking ass across Australia.

Tim then digs up another vampire film, in keeping with the them. Near Dark(1987). If the very fact that it has both Lance Henriksen and Bill Paxton isn’t enough to get you to watch it then you’ve clearly spent far too little of your life watching Aliens. Also, no one in the movie stops and gapes when they realize there are vampires around them. They don’t say vampire specifically but it’s clear they haven’t traded their brains for some magic beans.

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While passing through a nice but still shady neighborhood, Tim and Weltall stumbled upon a Waxwork. “Gee, that’s a strange place to put a waxwork” said absolutely no one born after the Roaring Twenties. But that’s an actual line from the movie Waxwork(1988). It stars people playing college students who act like they’re in high school and look like they’re dreading their kids piano recital.

If that wasn’t enough to get you excited, Waxwork has cameos from actual famous people. John Rhys-Davies shows up just long enough to transform into a werewolf before collecting his rent check. David Warner wears a Wonka-esque costume for half of the ten minutes he appears. You can also see Miles O’Keefe, of Hercules fame featured on MST3K, recite lines like someone glued his dentures together during makeup.

Weltall then discusses The Girlfriend Experience[2009]. It stars a former pornstar Sasha Grey. She plays a prostitute who has a boyfriend. There was a budget for the film and has other actors in things called “scenes” which were then edited together in a sequence. Some people watched this in theaters but not enough to cover the costs.

Tim then talks about Sneakers(1992). It features Dan Akroyd going bugnuts insane for minutes at a time in his small parts. Meanwhile, Robert Redford is trying to steal a magic cryptobox which can haxxors nineties computers easily. Redford ends up giving it to the wrong people and steals it back so he can give it to the NSA who, oddly enough, aren’t playing the villains.